Sophia Bowman-Albirt

Grandfather: Fievel Albirt, 94 yrs.

Sophia and her parents lived with Fievel in Israel. Sophia would come home from kindergarten and they would play. He had a bathtub in the yard which she would play in while he told her stories about his family in Poland. He was the youngest of eleven and all of his siblings had been killed by the nazis. He had gone to Palestine with the British army as a mess cook before the persecution began. He had apricot and pomegranate trees. He was quick-witted. A carpenter. Amazingly strong.

"He was one of the adults. He was one of the three pillars of togetherness that made things okay."

Sophia had been brought to Israel at age four.

"I was plunked down in the middle of this very aggressive, arid, horrible country away from everything I knew. I had my mother, I had my father, and I had Zadie (her childhood term for her grandfather). They were the three things that held me together."

They lived with Fievel for a year and a half and then moved to California. Sophia did not see Fievel again for six years. By this time he had had a stroke. Sophia remembers that he was more feeble than usual. The next time she saw him was when she was twelve and her parents brought her to Israel for her bat-mitzvah.

"He was very child-like. He knows who you are and he recognizes you for the first five minutes. After that he’s just kind of floating around and looking at you like ‘who are you and what are you doing in my home?’ He gets up and wanders away. He’s very passive about it. That’s the main thing: he’s gone from being a very up-front, antagonistic man to being very passive. He has stuffed animals in his room that he dotes on! Now he’s the four-year-old."

I asked Sophia how she felt when she first realized something was different:

"I accepted it. As long as he’s not wetting himself or unhappy…he’s 94 - he’s allowed to regress."

Sophia feels worse for her father in this situation because of the strong bond between father and son.

Fievel’s wife died the day Sophia was born; within hours. Sophia said she felt responsible for the death when she was young.

"I felt like I had to excel; I had to impress him. I mean I’m named after her (Fievel’s wife) for chrissakes. Whatever he does is okay; I killed his wife."

Sophia says she felt he did not love her less, only less focused.

"When we lived with him I was the favorite grandchild (out of seven others) because I was named after his wife and because my father was the baby so I’m the baby of the baby. I’m probably still his favorite if he remembered who I am. He does have more pictures of me than anyone else in his room."

Sophia doesn’t respect or admire him any less since the memory loss.

"It’s not like it was a conscious decision. I still admire him for what he has achieved."

She feels awkward and uncomfortable around old people in general because they are so close to death. She will make the effort for her Grandfather, but she has given up trying to talk to him.

"Now when I see him it’s very doting…he knows he really likes me and he knows that I’m someone he likes having around and I know that I should appreciate him while he’s still here so we both just chill. I don’t try to pull him out because he’s not all there. He occasionally musters up a question, but by the time I’m halfway through the answer he’s going to get a cup of tea or a pastry or flirting with people on his hall."

"When you’re ten and twelve it’s not cool to like your family, so I wish when he was more together that I’d been less adolescent and had asked him questions then. He’s my only tie to the past. Now it’s too late. I’m sure it’s still in there somewhere but he can’t get to it or doesn’t want to get to it."

Sophia says she has to treat him like a child occasionally, and he doesn’t seem to resent that. He always treated her like an adult, even at four, and she wishes she had been able to talk to him like an adult.

"It’s similar to the changes with your parents: (as a child) someone is one of your pillars of strength - one of the things that will always be revered. Now I see them as flawed people. Not only has (Fievel) been de-Godded, not only has he been brought down to a human level, but he’s been demoted a further step to a child."

Sophia hopes to deteriorate mentally and not physically. Her grandmother on her mother’s side still has her wits but her body is "decaying around her".